First Loves

      




Do you remember your first love? Not necessarily your first kiss. But the first person you felt was the one? Most people do. I have had many people I have thought were the"one". But the problem we face is that people are so busy being what they thought the other person wanted, that finding out who they really are is impossible. 

At one point in history, the use of makeup was grounds for divorce. Men would marry a woman, take her home and find the hag that actually resided under the war paint. It was very deceptive. And with the advent of transsexuals becoming so prevalent in today's society, things really haven't changed much. You just never can tell anything by appearances any longer. 

Appearances are a part of every relationship. Without some attraction, people would never connect. Attraction is a very individual thing. I have a twin. We were raised in a Christian conservative home. Very fortunate to have two loving supportive parents. But we have very different tastes in women. Even back in school, we were attracted to very different girls. My point is that attraction is explicit to the individual. 

Being able to develop your own sense of self worth is a huge part of developing this part of life. The two biggest shortcomings I have in this aspect of my life are trust and belief. They are similar but also quite different. Trust has to do with your heart.  Belief is centered within your mind. 

Early in life I trusted everything and everyone. My first wife was my first serious relationship. We dated all through high-school and married directly after her graduation. She is a year younger than I.  Our dating relationship was great. She was attentive, loving, and always eager and excited to spend time together. We were both in band and used that activity to spend as much extra time as we could together. I trusted her with every aspect of myself. I trusted she was sincere in her desire to spend our lives together. I trusted that she wanted the same things out of life that I did. I trusted that she understood and was working on mutual goals.  Apparently I was wrong...

Shortly after the wedding, things changed. I had trusted that things would stay the same within our relationship. How did they change? From my perspective, it was as if a goal of hers had been met. She seemed distracted and distant. And this feeling and experience continued growing over time. I just couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. 

I had trusted we were working on a life together. But in reality, what we believed a relationship encompassed was very different. And the biggest mistake I made was not ensuring we believed the same things from the start. So how does anyone avoid this trap? Especially in today's world of gender dysphoria and confusion. And the demands of today's society to conform to universal acceptance of others delusional behavior?

I think being up front, brutally honest, and setting expectations early within a relationship is a lost art. There needs to be a balance between being harsh and being understanding. But how? Early in a relationship, you both are attempting to see basic compatibility. But getting past that to true compatibility is the challenge. There are many "experts" out there selling their prepackaged solutions. As a person living within the spectrum, these resources can be virtually useless. However learning how someone gives and receives love is the essential aspect to a lasting relationship. If you are ready to solidify your relationship, I suggest these resources. They are tailored to every type of relationship.


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