Preventing Divorce Through the Single Life

Weird way to see the problem, right? Perhaps not. One of the biggest problems in any relationship is communication. Or perhaps it would be better explained as a lack of proper communication. As mentioned in previous posts, I have been married and divorced three times. Looking back, the fundamental problem in my opinion, revolved around simple communication.

Communication is different for everyone. Some people get the majority of information they are looking for from body language and facial expression. Having been divorced three times I can honestly say that the majority of miscommunication or misinformation that I received from my ex-wives was 100% verbal. I've never understood saying one thing while meaning another. It's very deceptive. We all know the old cliches. If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. If she asked you if that's your final answer, she's actually giving you the opportunity to change your answer because she already knows the correct answer according to her views. Etc

Individual perception is it powerful thing. No matter how close of a kindred spirit you are with the person you believe you love, your perceptions in certain matters will always be different, if not totally opposite. I have heard the old saying many times that opposites attract. And I believe this because all three of my wives we're more opposite from me than anything could be. It's not that they were bad people in any way form or fashion. Our problems revolved around not establishing clear boundaries through open communication before committing to our respective marriages.

Assumptions are dangerous. Without clearly defined expectations no one can meet them. How can you expect someone to understand how you want the towels folded unless you have expressed clearly how you want them folded? Which way does the toilet paper go on the toilet paper holder? Do you do dishes every night, or when the sink is full? Is it important to you that your laundry is done for you, or do you prefer to do it yourself to ensure that it's done the way you want it done? Is there a certain way you like your scrambled eggs? And if they won't fix them the way you like them, how aggravated are they going to be when you want to cook your own? Many things within a relationship like this are considered trivial. But when you're looking at divorce, they compound into frustration, resentment, and anger. So how do we avoid this?

The best way I can think of is through real open communication. This cannot be done with body language or facial expression alone, although these two components of communication are immensely important. You need to find sources of stupid questions that the two of you can answer with one another while you are single to even find out if you're compatible for a long-term relationship. Much less marriage.

There are many self-help books and programs out there designed to help people communicate with one another. I have listed this book before, but I truly believe in it. It doesn't encompass every situation. And there are versions of it for different types of relationships. But anyone considering a relationship of any type would be wise to understand The 5 Love Languages. Not everyone has only one love language. Many people give and receive love through different means. The key is finding a partner who is willing to learn your love language and how to fill your needs through that language, but also with you being selfless enough to fulfill their needs through their love languages.  This can make both of you very uncomfortable, and in today's society of selfishness it is very hard for some people to do. Much less comprehend.

If you are struggling in your marriage and on the verge of divorce, quite frankly, it may not be salvageable. My third wife is the perfect example. I was diagnosed some years ago with a condition call Hashimoto's encephalopathy. I plan on doing a complete post about this condition in a later Edition. The synopsis is that the condition is exacerbated by stress. And my third wife is one of the most stressful people I have ever known. We survived 20 years with one another. The last thing that you could say about me is that I'm easy to live with either. But the stress of being a regular caregiver as well as a registered nurse working a full-time schedule took its toll on her. Neither one of us realized that the stress of being married to her was a key component of my illness. Most people have no idea that I am on the disabled list today. I was a registered nurse as well, and I had one of the most stressful positions in dialysis that has ever been known. I will elaborate and on that in another post. But the toll of taking care of a sick husband and three children as well as working a full-time job put her in a position that I can only describe as resentment.

I had spent 20 years trying to explain to this woman that one of the problems we were facing as a couple, even before I became sick, was a lack of proper communication. The problem was not that I wasn't effectively communicating how unhappy I was for the last 15 years of our marriage. It was her unwillingness to be the woman she was when we married. I'm not sure if she could admit this or not, but she changed dramatically around five years into our marriage. She ceased being the woman that she needed to be in order to get married and maintain that marriage. I could never get her to understand my perception, no matter how many councilors we went to, or how blunt or eloquent I described the problems. She could only see through her eyes, and was unwilling to understand and accept that my needs needed to be met as well. We actually purchased this book. The 5 Love Languages. We went through the entire volume together, and for short periods of time, things seem to be better. But she was only going through the motions to placate me and keep me from finding about about her extramarital activities. I don't know if she was committing indiscretions for a whole lot longer than I believe she was. But I also never believed that she would have any indiscretion in any form whatsoever. It just goes to prove that 20 years of marriage don't necessarily teach you anything about the person you're married to.

I was excited about this woman while we were dating. She was everything any man could ever want. She owned a home, she drove a nice car, she made her own money and wasn't dependent upon anyone else, she was a great cook, and had her home in immaculately maintained condition. The perfect potential wife, correct? But there were also many red flags. Red flags that I ignored because of what she presented herself as while we were dating. We didn't take the time to explore our unique forms of communication. I thought I knew her love language, even though I hadn't read the book back then. But I only knew the love language of the person that she was while we were dating. And looking back it feels as though she was pretending to be someone that she thought I wanted instead of the person she actually was.

Why did this relationship finally come to an end? We had been married 20 years. We have three beautiful children. At the time of our separation they were all three still in school. Our relationship ended because she refused reconciliation. For whatever reason she did not see the problem with having a polygamous relationship. I don't know much about polygamy, but I do about jealousy. And we had never discussed polygamy. As a Christian, and a conservative, I found the whole notion offensive. We had never had these discussions. She implemented what she wanted without regard for what it would do to our marriage. So I gave her an ultimatum of what I can live with. Find a job where she was at home every night, dump the man that she was having her indiscretion with, and once again go to counseling. Perhaps this was a mistake on my part. Not the part of putting forth clearly defined expectations, but of offering reconciliation to a woman who for the last 15 years of our marriage put no effort into trying to effectively communicate with me. I am sure her recollections of events may differ from mine. They often do. We all see things from our own perspective. It boils down to one little simple thing, at no point in our relationship did I agree to more than one setof sexual organs being involved. Apparently that didn't matter to her. LOL

So how do we prevent divorce through the single life? If you haven't figured it out by now it's by figuring out all of the aggravating parts of cohabitating without killing one another. LOL. The best way to do that is through open honest realistic communication. And the only way I know to do that is by finding out your partner's love language and ensuring that they feel they are heard. Here's a link to the book. I wish everyone luck and happiness.